What to Do When Your Families Want Very Different Things

Photo by: Fuller Photo Co

You’re trying to plan a joyful celebration of your relationship…and suddenly you’re deep in the trenches of navigating generational expectations, passive-aggressive group texts, and someone’s very strong opinions about chairs.

And suddenly, your wedding feels less like a celebration and more like a family diplomacy summit. 🫠Especially when you add the dynamic of planning a queer and/or multicultural wedding into the mix.

This is a super common challenge, and if you’re in it right now, you’re not doing anything wrong. Planning a wedding often surfaces deeper stuff—about identity, culture, family roles, and what it means to be “traditional.” So if it’s feeling heavy, you’re not alone. The good news? It doesn’t have to stay that way.

Here’s how to navigate it with as little stress (and as much alignment) as possible:

1. Get clear—together—on what you two want

Before trying to mediate anyone else’s opinions, it’s important to have your own baseline. Talk about what matters most to you and your partner. What do you want your wedding to feel like? What values are guiding your decisions? What are your non-negotiables?

Think of this as your compass. You don’t have to figure everything out yet—but when you have a shared vision, it’s easier to filter external input through that lens.

2. Practice curiosity

If your families want things that feel wildly different from what you want (or from each other), it can be helpful to gently ask why. Sometimes what sounds like a request for a specific food or ritual or guest list number is really about something deeper—like being seen, being included, or feeling proud. Getting to the “why” behind the ask can help you find creative compromises that honor everyone involved.

3. Set boundaries that protect your peace

You’re allowed to say “no,” and you don’t have to justify every decision. Once you’ve taken the time to understand your own priorities—and, where possible, your families’—you get to draw a line around what feels right for your wedding. That might mean letting someone down. That’s okay. Disappointing someone’s expectations is not the same as doing something wrong.

Pro tip: Boundaries don’t have to be mean. You can be warm and firm.

4. Know when to bring in backup

This is where having a planner can make all the difference. When conversations start to feel emotional or complicated, it can help to have a neutral third party handling the logistics, redirecting feedback, and reminding everyone of the agreed-upon plan. We call it loving interference, and we’re very good at it.

5. Remember what this is really about

At the end of the day, this is your wedding. It’s a celebration of your relationship and your future—not a test of how perfectly you can meet everyone’s expectations. It’s okay if your choices ruffle feathers. What matters most is that you’re building something true to who you are, with the people you love most around you.

Schedule a call here for support and a built-in bad guy ("sorry, our Wedding Planner said").